She Never Thought She'd C the Day
by GoddessofSnark
Summary: A woman comes in, having died for no apparent reason. It's up to Jordan to figure out what happened.
1. Chapter 1

A/N, all I have to say is please read this all the way to the end. Or rather:

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_A/N This is leik an awesome fic!11! U guyz all have 2 leik read it and plz plz plz review! Cause reviews r aesome! N I won't right without more reviews, I'll slit my wrists if u don't like it, so plz plz like it and review it! THX!_

"_OMG!" she screamed, running down the street. "Somebody-anybody-please! Help me!" "Wut's the problem?" A tall, dark, handsome man asked, wrapping her tightly in his strong arms. "Oh, god, they killed him! He's dead!" She flicked her long dark hair out of her face and he had to admire it. She waz gorgeous. Rich, dark, chestnut curls and cute front teeth that seemed just a bit 2 big. Y hadn't he noticed b4? "Who? Who's dead?" He asked, fear in his voice. He wanted no who was dead. "They killed him Harry! They killed Neville!" (A/N I needed someone to kill, srry) "OMG!" Harry exclaimed loudly, pulling her closer. "Itz OK Mione. I'm here 4 u." _

_LATER-INSIDE HARRY'S HOUSE_

_Hermoine sat there, shocked. She was wearing a tight tight black tshirt with a picture of a unicorn on it that Harry just loves. Her haer is pulled back in from her face soz itz not so bushy and Harry is wondeing y he never noticed her b4. She was 2 beautiful to have not noticed. Harry played with his shirt, red and yellow (Like Harry wuld wear somethin that's not Gryffindor). "Hey Mione?" He asked after a long time. "Wut?" She asked back. "I wuz, well, wonderin if maybe u and me-u wanna go out sumtime?" "When?" "I dunno, like friday?" "Sry Harry, but I'm already going out with Ron on Friday-" "Oh." Harry said, hurt. He had 4gotten about his friend. He felt bad about forgetting about his friend, but he wanted Hermione. He wuz jealous of Ron. "Harry-thx 4 evrythin tho-ur my BFF!" "Right." he replied, not wantin her 2 c that it hurt.

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She looked down at the body in front of her. She was amazed at what she saw. She had never thought it would be possible for that to happen until now. Looking over the torso had revealed nothing; the person lying on the steel table had been a perfectly healthy thirty-year-old woman, who had a good career as an English teacher. But she had suddenly died for no reason that could be seen.

Until she had moved onto the head. There was blood dripping from the eyes, something that she had noticed, at first she had thought it had been part of a fight, until she realized that there was no bruising to the body. The cause of death had been an enticing mystery until the skull had been cut open, revealing the brain, or what was left.

Inside there was a mass of pink and gray sludge. The woman must have died a horribly painful death. Her eyes had bled and her brain had imploded. She had never seen this before; she had never seen someone who had literally imploded. And there was no reason why that she could see.

Garret took that moment to walk in and he looked over the body, just as amazed as she was. "What happened?" He asked, looking over the poor victim.

"Her brain imploded. For no apparent reason." Bug shook his head as he walked in.

"There is a reason. It's a sad, sad case." The Indian doctor replied, holding up a sheaf of paper. "This was in her bag. She was holding the first sheet of it when she died." She looked it over, feeling her own eyes beginning to burn and she had to stop reading before she would wind up like the woman on the table.

"You mean-" Garret started and Bug nodded gravely.

"I'm afraid so." Bug replied, and she sighed, sewing the body back up and starting to fill out the file. She never thought she would see the day that this would happen. She had never thought she would ever have to write this down in her life. Bad fanfic had finally claimed its first victim.

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A/N This has been a Public Service Announcement by the Goddess of Snark. Please remember folks, Badfic does not only hurt the characters involved, it hurts the readers and those close to the reader. Friends don't let friends write badfic.  



	2. Legolas, I

A/N-Again, if you've made it this far you know what's coming. And I apolgize to any Woody fans, but I have to mention that...

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_Authorz Notez: So lik u all totally loved it!11! Yayz! I'm righting more cuz u wanted more. And I only write 4 my reviews. This 1 is Lord of the Rings, cuz Orli is like sooooooooooooooooo hawt! I dont care what ppl say, he's hawt, he doesnt look like a woman. Hez hotter than a woman! Plz R&R folks cuz u wont get more til u review. I have 2 c reviews b4 I write more. _

_IN THE SHIRE:_

_legolas ran a hand thru hiz thick gorgeous blond hair. Sumthing wuz wrong but he didnt no what. He walked along with hiz bow ready 2 shoot any big ugly creatures that came hiz way. He could do it without messing up his really good looks 2. He walked along with his long blond hair billowing in the breez when suddenly a bunch of orcs came out and attacked him!1 "We're going to kill u." 1 of them told him. "I'm going to shoot u." He replied, grabbing an arrow. "We're going to kill u first." The orc swung a big huge axe at him, narrowly missing. "Not so fast!" Out of nowhere a woman had appeared!1! She had long red hair and really really pretty violet eyes. She pulled out a sword and killed the orcs! "Thx!" Legolas told the girl who had just sat down on a rock n started to brush her long hair accentuating her beauty. "No probs." She replied, ignoring him. But legolas h8ed being ignored. He was 2 pretty 2 be ignored. "so who r u?" legolas asked. "I'm Mariavaricella daughter of Klausibella from a far and distant corner of middle earth. Who r u?" "legolas the elf." she laughed. Hiz elvin ears had never heard sucha pretty sound. "U r a meer elf. I have no need 4 u except as a servant." He frowned. He owed her his life. "I owe u my life." He told her and she grinned. "Then come away with me, slave." She got up from her rock and brushed the dirt off of her slender frame. Legolas culdn't help but notice how pretty she was. She wuz prettier than he wuz. Mayb it wuldnt b so bad 2 b a servant 4 her after all. _

She blinked twice at the sheet of paper in front of her. She couldn't believe her eyes. It had taken her three tries to read through it; she wanted to avoid the same painful death of the person who had rolled in not that long ago. Something had to be done; this was the second completely pointless death. There was no reason for either person to die; both victims of cruel fate.

Two persons whose brains had been liquefied; who had been tortured brutally. Whoever this person was must be stopped. They could not be allowed to continue murdering people like this. Surely, they had to know what they were doing, that their prose was causing death to all who read it. Surely, they had to realize just how bad it was.

She sighed and looked down at the report on her desk, signing it. When she walked into Garret's office and laid it on his desk somberly, he looked up at her.

"Another one?" He asked and she nodded. "Two. I didn't think it was possible before and now there's another one."

"Whoever it is, is a murderer."

"And not just of the English language." She smiled, slightly.

"She needs to be stopped." He nodded in agreement.

"Anyone capable of defying the laws of physics and melting someone's brain by writing something absolutely horrible needs to be stopped." He had a point.

"Now where's a Mary Sue when you need her to come in and save the day?" He flashed a quick smile at the joke.

"Woody's almost as perfect as a Mary Sue, surely he can get to the bottom of this?" She grinned. He had point. Woody was amazing at these things.

"Thanks Garret." She said, heading back to her office and picking up the phone. Why hadn't she thought of Woody before?


End file.
